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An open letter regarding the monitoring

My dearest wife,

First let me say that I truly love you, and everything I've done, has been done to keep you safe. Because this really all began back when you were with George, in 2001 when you were attacked in New York. I disagree with George about a lot of things, but like him I feel certain it's my job as your husband to keep you absolutely safe. Since we were married in 2008, haven't I done that?

I can't keep you safe if I don't know where you are. That's why I put the GPS tracker in your car, and in your purse. Just to show you that I really trust you, I'm going to reveal that there's also a tracker in every left shoe you own.

I can't keep you safe if I don't know what you are doing at all times. That's why I force-paired your phone, and installed the rootkit in your computer. Again, in the spirit of honesty, I'm going to disclose that the entire house is also bugged for sound and video, especially your sewing room.

And yes, when you're away from my monitoring devices, like at your book club, sometimes I've been crouching in the bushes with binoculars and an infrared laser microphone. During my bathroom breaks, the one in the bushes is my friend Tony; I help him keep tabs on his wife occasionally as well.

Finally, that busybody Snowden, our mutual "friend", is definitely going to get an earful if I ever catch up with him. He had absolutely no right to tell you some of the more inflammatory details of my monitoring devices in the basement, which I judiciously revealed to him in the utmost confidence. He should have expected that even knowing about the still mostly undisclosed array of monitoring devices in the basement, would cause you to doubt everything you know about me.

But I'm still your faithful husband,


September 2013

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